mersie Life      Photo      Music      fash      cult      me      ask

I don’t even know where to start.

I could talk about Jack. about work. about school. friends. people. places. But I don’t know where to start. Here we go..

The Fault in our Stars. I read this book years and years ago, back when it first was released. It was good. It wasn’t an earth shattering, life changing piece of literature.. but it was enjoyable, and I sobbed through about 98% of the words as my eyes passed over them. I am also a sucker for sobbing in the middle of movies. Character got a job promotion? Breakup? Makeup? Any other mushy movie scene? sob fest. 

So I was invited out for a drink at Zeitgeist after work a couple days ago with an old friend. I went. We drank, relocated to the Gold Cane after a little. Then relocated again to a floor near you! (cheesy smile, wink, change the channel) 

We were talking about The Fault in our Stars, and ended up going to watch it together. It was good (we turned it off). I watched it again today. Sob fest, natch. I guess this is how rebounds go, but I really like him alot. I mean, I did before also but it just never seemed to happen I guess. Until now. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to jump into a relationship after just recently getting out of one. What I like about “this” - if it is even a “this” at all - is that I get to explore something new and unexplored without a whole lot of expectation. I don’t feel the need to rush or over do it at all; its nice.

Now, I am a believer in the whole “everything happens for a reason” schtick. Karma, all of it. I think this movie came up, and this person came back into my life, all for a reason. The movie helped me appreciate the little things. You never really know whats going on in another persons life until, well, you know. And of course - the biggest part of that movie - everything can be taken away all at once, all in an instant. Enjoy the time you have. The company I had watching the movie the first time, he helped me pick myself back up and realize that I’m not worthless. Sometimes hearing it from someone else, someone that you thought for sure was gone for good, it helps to start picking up the pieces and putting them back together. 

The thing about sobbing during a movie like the fault in our stars is that it isn’t tears of pain for yourself, you cry because of being emotionally moved from the characters, and from your empathy and understanding of their situation. It’s comforting, it makes you more human just to let it all out. I realized while watching The Fault in our Stars that I deserve the type of love you see in the movies. I deserve to be happy, and then.. I was.

For the first time in a long time, I am happy. 
I feel like I can move forward to whatever comes next without worrying.
I can keep the past in the past and look forward to the future.
I can live in the present and enjoy what I have now. 

The little things in life.

Posted at 3:28am and tagged with: relationships, guys, life,.

See the sun go down. It’s going on down, and the night is deep. Want a little light. But who’s gonna save a little light for me?

I forgot how much music helps me cope. Listening to a bunch of stuff for the last little while has proven that iTunes can be dangerous, but therapeutic in times like these. 

I guess it helps my mind put things together; bring things to surface that would have otherwise been forgotten, unnoticed, or buried forever. I find that listening to a song that meant something totally different a year ago now means something entirely special and new.

Like the band right before Tom Petty this year at Outsidelands just happened to be Death Cab for Cutie. Which just happened to be starting right after being ditched by Jack at a concert I got him into. I sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbedddd during their set. I watched them in a daze, half there, half lost in my own brokenness from the situation. I just couldnt believe that someone could act the way he was - treat me the way he did - and as I listened to Cath tonight and remembered singing along to it through my sobs at the show, I realized that I shouldn’t have been so surprised. People tell you who they are through their actions, and this stunt he pulled spoke volumes. My response also spoke something of myself - sobbing to Ben Gibbard playing one of my old favourite songs from years back. Hurt. Heartbreak. I let these things happen for far too long. I buried my head in the sand and hoped it would all change, but I didn’t change it. I waited. I cried. I did nothing. 

Flash to all the times he didn’t answer his phone, didn’t come home, wasn’t there for me when I needed him. I tried to pigeon-hole it as him not caring by insisting to him, fighting with him until he would admit that he didn’t - and maybe it was true that he didn’t, I don’t know - but it wasn’t something I ever had to put a label on or make black and white. It wasn’t my job to try to make sense of it. I didn’t act like this or do these things to him, he did them himself, so why did I feel so bad about it and he didn’t? Even if he did care about me, or does care about me, that level of caring where you can treat someone the way he treated me isn’t what I want or what I deserve in a partner. Not for me, and not for him either. 

It wasn’t my job as his girlfriend to feel bad - or hurt - every time he fucked up. Whatever the reason was that he acted the way he did, those were his actions and I cant let them define me.

Anyway, I guess things happen for a reason and looking back and listening along with the songs and soundtrack I had been shutting out for so long like everything else in my eyes, It helps open everything back up again. 

Understanding is such an important part of humanity, but why strive to understand things that make you upset? make you suffer? I dont need to understand why he did what he did, or what happened along the way, if it was my fault, his, anyones. There is no gain in trying to understand things that dont need to be understood. 

Im feeling what im feeling, and remembering, and seeing what took place from a different perspective than the girl’s who was in a relationship that wasnt working. It doesnt matter why, it just matter that it didnt work. And I understand that now. And thats ok.

The sun will rise again tomorrow.

photo by mersie, yelapa beach hermit. 8/26/14 

Posted at 1:40am and tagged with: life, personal, photo, iphoneography, photography, sutro baths, full width, diary, sunset, soleil, relationships, boys, breakup, love,.


See the sun go down. It’s going on down, and the night is deep. Want a little light. But who’s gonna save a little light for me?
I forgot how much music helps me cope. Listening to a bunch of stuff for the last little while has proven that iTunes can be dangerous, but therapeutic in times like these. 
I guess it helps my mind put things together; bring things to surface that would have otherwise been forgotten, unnoticed, or buried forever. I find that listening to a song that meant something totally different a year ago now means something entirely special and new.
Like the band right before Tom Petty this year at Outsidelands just happened to be Death Cab for Cutie. Which just happened to be starting right after being ditched by Jack at a concert I got him into. I sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbedddd during their set. I watched them in a daze, half there, half lost in my own brokenness from the situation. I just couldnt believe that someone could act the way he was - treat me the way he did - and as I listened to Cath tonight and remembered singing along to it through my sobs at the show, I realized that I shouldn’t have been so surprised. People tell you who they are through their actions, and this stunt he pulled spoke volumes. My response also spoke something of myself - sobbing to Ben Gibbard playing one of my old favourite songs from years back. Hurt. Heartbreak. I let these things happen for far too long. I buried my head in the sand and hoped it would all change, but I didn’t change it. I waited. I cried. I did nothing. 
Flash to all the times he didn’t answer his phone, didn’t come home, wasn’t there for me when I needed him. I tried to pigeon-hole it as him not caring by insisting to him, fighting with him until he would admit that he didn’t - and maybe it was true that he didn’t, I don’t know - but it wasn’t something I ever had to put a label on or make black and white. It wasn’t my job to try to make sense of it. I didn’t act like this or do these things to him, he did them himself, so why did I feel so bad about it and he didn’t? Even if he did care about me, or does care about me, that level of caring where you can treat someone the way he treated me isn’t what I want or what I deserve in a partner. Not for me, and not for him either. 
It wasn’t my job as his girlfriend to feel bad - or hurt - every time he fucked up. Whatever the reason was that he acted the way he did, those were his actions and I cant let them define me.

Anyway, I guess things happen for a reason and looking back and listening along with the songs and soundtrack I had been shutting out for so long like everything else in my eyes, It helps open everything back up again. 
Understanding is such an important part of humanity, but why strive to understand things that make you upset? make you suffer? I dont need to understand why he did what he did, or what happened along the way, if it was my fault, his, anyones. There is no gain in trying to understand things that dont need to be understood. 
Im feeling what im feeling, and remembering, and seeing what took place from a different perspective than the girl’s who was in a relationship that wasnt working. It doesnt matter why, it just matter that it didnt work. And I understand that now. And thats ok.
The sun will rise again tomorrow.
photo by mersie, yelapa beach hermit. 8/26/14 
The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion

Posted at 12:22am and tagged with: joan didion, quote, quotes, change, quotations, the year of magical thinking,.

Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.

This beachy little guy was wandering all over my shoe on the beach in Yelapa. I guess he kept me company while I enjoyed the peacefulness on the beach.

Something simple like having company creates a peacefulness that cannot be recreated through many other means. I guess companions keep people happy through their support, said or unsaid, just being there matters. Peoples actions tend to trump words. 

I am starting to think that my entire time with Jack, my sole purpose was just to keep him company. Loneliness is tough. Tougher than I am, so it would seem. I think he kept me around, even learned to have some sort of feelings for me, through this loneliness that lingered longer than he wanted or expected it to. I am consumed by loneliness myself now more than ever, but I guess loneliness and heartbreak is fuel like a kick in the ass is fuel to move you forward. I guess the things that kept us together, tore us apart in the end.

Until I get through this loneliness, all I seem to have is heartbreak from the fallout that is - or was - my relationship for the last year and a half. I guess its time to become tougher, lighter than the loneliness cemented around my ankles dragging me down to the bottom of everything.

Just like my Mexican crustacean company, there comes a time, despite all fear and loneliness, to pop your head out of your shell and take a breath of fresh air (even if that means sharing your cartoon sad-eyes to the planet like this little dude).  Wipe away the tears. Recover from what you’ve just gone through and grow. Move on.

Learn how to float.
Tread.
Paddle.
Swim. 

photo by mersie, yelapa beach hermit. 7/21/14 

Posted at 11:35pm and tagged with: depression, loneliness, full width, life, relationships, boys, breakups, broken, alone, photography, iphoneography, photo, mexico, vacation, beach, hermit crab, mine, personal,.


This beachy little guy was wandering all over my shoe on the beach in Yelapa. I guess he kept me company while I enjoyed the peacefulness on the beach.
Something simple like having company creates a peacefulness that cannot be recreated through many other means. I guess companions keep people happy through their support, said or unsaid, just being there matters. Peoples actions tend to trump words. 
I am starting to think that my entire time with Jack, my sole purpose was just to keep him company. Loneliness is tough. Tougher than I am, so it would seem. I think he kept me around, even learned to have some sort of feelings for me, through this loneliness that lingered longer than he wanted or expected it to. I am consumed by loneliness myself now more than ever, but I guess loneliness and heartbreak is fuel like a kick in the ass is fuel to move you forward. I guess the things that kept us together, tore us apart in the end.
Until I get through this loneliness, all I seem to have is heartbreak from the fallout that is - or was - my relationship for the last year and a half. I guess its time to become tougher, lighter than the loneliness cemented around my ankles dragging me down to the bottom of everything.
Just like my Mexican crustacean company, there comes a time, despite all fear and loneliness, to pop your head out of your shell and take a breath of fresh air (even if that means sharing your cartoon sad-eyes to the planet like this little dude).  Wipe away the tears. Recover from what you’ve just gone through and grow. Move on.
Learn how to float. Tread. Paddle. Swim. 
photo by mersie, yelapa beach hermit. 7/21/14 

Trying to find ,little moments of zen in the chaos. Jack and I broke up. Lost job. Moved out (again….); my life is a shitstorm of shit right now. I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore, but I also don’t know where to start looking. 

On the bright side, I got a new job at a nice place where I can make decent money. Also, while were on the topic of shitstorms, I am no longer on dog walking duty during the week so no more picking up dogshit all the damn time. Score. 

photo by mersie, andytown tabletop flowers. 8/12/14 

Posted at 1:40pm and tagged with: full width, photo, iphoneography, photography, flower, zen, art, beauty, pastel,.


Trying to find ,little moments of zen in the chaos. Jack and I broke up. Lost job. Moved out (again….); my life is a shitstorm of shit right now. I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore, but I also don’t know where to start looking. 
On the bright side, I got a new job at a nice place where I can make decent money. Also, while were on the topic of shitstorms, I am no longer on dog walking duty during the week so no more picking up dogshit all the damn time. Score. 
photo by mersie, andytown tabletop flowers. 8/12/14 

my booty ofcold ford girl poseemo horsies

hi there. its been probably like a year since /actually blogging/ in this spot. or any spot i guess because i am a serial procrastinator and get bored way too easily. heres some photos from the section of my life that has not been documented on the internet, or well, at least not on a blog. blog or it didnt happen. ha

essie nail polish manihiley hiccups melting dog faceme and my sunshine cruiser bike

carousel cowgirlroadtrip to socal coffee stopdisneyland!

rocketship or car?midsummer nights dreamin' in the treesflowers at school

Posted at 1:04pm and tagged with: tile, my life, wrap, photos, instagram, me, one column, life,.

Today is January the 9th, 2014. 2014….. can you believe it?! I guess this post is late however the year hasn’t changed yet, it is only a week after that fateful day, and I’ve been doing a little reflecting on the resolution tradition. here we go. 

I want to take more pictures again. I want to get a proper lens. I want to create things. I want to be more fit. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better girlfriend. I want want want want to do these things. but how?

There’s ideas like that old money jar chestnut where you tip yourself for being good, but really what do you gain from that? does it work? chances are for me, it wont. There’s the reward for achieving what you set out to accomplish, but it just always seems too far away to even start taking that first step towards your goal. Call me self defeating, call me realistic. 

New years resolutions never work because people always want to be the greatest version of themselves they can be, but dont want to put forth the effort, myself included. So this year, I’m not gonna make a list of a thousand things I need to do better or change, I’m just going to try and be more conscious of myself and how I spend my time. 

Mostly, as I embark on my third semester of college, I want to try and narrow down where I want my education to lead. I want to feel like I am heading toward a career that I will enjoy and will support me throughout my life. I want to be challenged and interested. I want to be active in my life, and make sure that I don’t let myself go as the time ticks on. 

This year, this is the reward, not the resolution. I can do what makes me happy while fulfilling all of these wants in the process. I just want to feel like me again. 

Posted at 12:06pm and tagged with: resolution, life, new year, reflection,.

Tonight was bittersweet. Somewhere between dining by torchlight with a perfect view of the bay, and watching the fireflies dance in the dark, I felt this longing for him to be here with me. Parts of being in Yelapa - out in the jungle next to the bay - there is a certain potential for romance that I just wish we could share. Someday, perhaps.

I love it here in Yelapa, but in a way I also can’t wait to see him again when I return. I miss my psycho boyfriend… Who is this person I have become?!

crossing my fingers I don’t get eaten by the mapache in my sleep …the mapache ate me baybeeee! I bet that would go over great in the civilized, non-jungle world. Oh, I saw a monkey and a scorpion today too. I also saw the scorp die by broom handle. Those are the creepiest little things I have ever seen. Bleh. Monkey was neat though. Maybe he will tag team with the mapache and eat me in my sleep too. He can have my toes. Yum.

Posted at 9:44pm and tagged with: life, travel, yelapa, relationships, romance, love, lust, guys, mexico,.

Tonight was bittersweet. Somewhere between dining by torchlight with a perfect view of the bay, and watching the fireflies dance in the dark, I felt this longing for him to be here with me. Parts of being in Yelapa - out in the jungle next to the bay - there is a certain potential for romance that I just wish we could share. Someday, perhaps.
I love it here in Yelapa, but in a way I also can’t wait to see him again when I return. I miss my psycho boyfriend… Who is this person I have become?!
crossing my fingers I don’t get eaten by the mapache in my sleep  …the mapache ate me baybeeee!  I bet that would go over great in the civilized, non-jungle world. Oh, I saw a monkey and a scorpion today too. I also saw the scorp die by broom handle. Those are the creepiest little things I have ever seen. Bleh. Monkey was neat though. Maybe he will tag team with the mapache and eat me in my sleep too. He can have my toes. Yum.

*tap tap* ….is this thing on? anyone out there?

Let me just take a second to dust off my soapbox and blast the interwebs with the magic that is my life. Good? good. 

So the past couple posts of my hemming and hawing about boys (well, boy.. to be more specific) actually blossomed into boyfriend instead of just.. boy. He’s absolutely amazing, sweet, funny, he makes me happier than I’ve been with someone else in a long ass time. He also convinced me to start surfing again and getting back in the water more with him. He goes all the time, and I’ve been joining as often as I can when I dont have to work and such. Its great to be back in the water.

I really haven’t been taking a whole lot of photos lately. I guess I go through phases where I am looking for everything to take even half-decent photos of. Now, not as much. I snap some frames here and there, but they are definitely fewer and farther between. Not to mention, most of my photo taking before was while I was skating for hours and hours, which also has been sparse  My legs hate me for it but the weather will be nicer soon, so they will have to get over it until then. Hellooo August.

I guess I’ve just been enjoying the little things as they come at me. Goodwill thrifting - I’ve found SO many awesome things recently - as well as other stuff like toast from trouble, date nights and spending time with boyfriend, surfing, bubble tea, drinking a cappuccino and devouring a book in the morning, just… everything. 

Going to Yelapa tomorrow for a week, pretty exciting. More later, so much to catch up on. 

<3

Posted at 1:45pm and tagged with: life, boys, guys, love, lust, relationships, personal, stuff & things,.